My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
