I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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