Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No subtext here. People are naked.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
