i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
