so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
