she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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