If i come over, it means nothing
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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