I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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