Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
