Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
