the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
