Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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