I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
