whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
