Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
