Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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