I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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