I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
