i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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