how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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