I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I didn't shave. On purpose
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
