Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
