oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
