You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
