Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
