Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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