I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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