every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
