I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
