drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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