cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
