I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
