I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
