My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
