Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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