his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
