i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
two words...techno handjob
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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