Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
