seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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