I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
