I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
