i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
