The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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