I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
