Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
