i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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