I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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