I want to stick my p in your. b.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
