I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
