Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
