are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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